They Aren’t Normal

I loved working with actors in Hollywood, but I sure didn’t like working for them.

Hollywood stars aren’t normal. In fact, there is no such thing as a normal star. Some are brilliant, wonderful people and others need help in counting to twelve. Some are very nice, and others are related to cobras. But none of them are “normal.”

Working for the average star is like having a mean 6-year-old as your boss. We treat them like gods, and then wonder why they act like gods.

They can’t just walk down the street like normal people. They’re stopped by drooling fans who plead for an autograph or a photo. Dr. Jonas Salk, the man  who ended polio, never made as much money as Marie Osmond, and , although he is a living Columbus, Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon, doesn’t get the honors we give to Lady GaGa, Madonna, Elton John, Ben Stiller, or Denzel Washington.

Elizabeth Taylor and Barbra Streisand each earned far more money, and honors, than Franklin D. Roosevelt or Harry S Truman.

I walked through many crowds with Hollywood stars, and I always got a kick out of watching as people around them finally realize who they are looking at. When they recognize Dick Van Dyke, Bob Hope, Mike Landon or Shirley Booth, they did strange things.  It starts with the double-take, to make sure they are seeing who they think they’re seeing. Then they lose control.  Some turn red and almost faint, and others start squealing the star’s name to them, as though they had forgotten it. I actually had a woman grab Mike’s arm and scream. “Do you know who your are? ” Then they start nudging all the people around them to show who they have discovered.

The star may be a caveman who eats raw meat and molests hub caps, but fans treat them as though they had just saved the world from total destruction.

How can anyone be treated like that and remain “normal”? Evenually most of them assume that we love them so much we’d do whatever they ask. So they ask.

The publicity men who work for those stars often get the brunt of their expectations.  Linc Hayes, a CBS publicty man, was sent to Hawaii to replace the publicist who had been fired by “Hawaii Five-O” star, Jack Lord, who often thought his last name was prophetic.  Linc arrived at the hotel, and called the company to check in. He was informed that Lord was in California for conferences, and would be back the next morning. Late the next morning Linc got a phone call from Lord, demanding to know why Linc had not been at the airport to pick him up when he arrived back in Hawaii.”I didn’t think that was part of my job,” joked Linc.

“Well, it is!” snapped Lord.

“No it isn’t,” said Linc. “I don’t do windows, and I’m not a chauffeur.”

Lord fired him by phone, and he never even got to meet the great man .

Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton once sent their publicist to Hollywood’s famed Chasen’s to bring them some of the restaurant’s special chilly — although they were in  Spain at the time.

Bob Hope liked to take long walks on the streets of Burbank, but he couldn’t do it during daylight, so he’d call his press agent to get out of bed at 3 a.m. to join  him for a stroll.

I often had stars, who made more money in a month than I will during my lifetime, call me to see if I could get them free tickets to Disneyland.

Stars ain’t normal.

My illusions about stars were often shaken to hell by getting to close to them.

I would be a great admirer of their talents on the screen, only to learn  that they kept a dozen cats locked in a room at home, or sniffed cocaine all day while carrying as loaded pistol.

We stopped arranging publicity interviews for a top star, who portrayed a rough, tough street cop in one of our highest-rated series, when he began showing up at the interviews wearing shorts and carrying a purse.

But, after all, an actor is a person who can make you think he or she is someone else. I know an actress who is meaner than  snake spit, but she can step in front of a camera and convince you she is Queen Victoria, and that makes her a star.

One of the best “actors” in Hollywood is a singer who presented huge Christmas specials each year, involving his wife, his parents and his children. They’d all get out there and sing “Silent Night” and “White Christmas” with gusto. Then he’d send the parents and kids home, while he and his girlfriend, and his wife and her boyfriend,  passed around dope while everyone got smashed.

Stars ain’t normal.

——————–FIGHT FORTH————————-