The Rev’ Rambles

• Today I’m just going to wander around in  my mind to see what’s in there.

Why is there such an amazing difference between the way men and women talk on the phone? My Current Wife has two sisters here in town. They see each other daily, and spend a lot of time together — and then they call each other every evening and every morning. What the hell do they have left to talk about? I have a dear brother in Oregon. We talk about every two months, and we’re all talked out in  roughly two minutes. I guess my phone habits come from my early training. When I was a kid (just after the invention of dew) we had to pay by the minute, and my dad was always yelling to get off the damned phone. I never learned how to just visit on the phone. If I have something to say, fine, but to me rambling away on the phone is like setting fire to money.

I don’t even want to think about life before toilet paper.

Things seem to get better as you age. For me school days were a terror. Arithmetic and the parts of speech were like razors under my skin. During the 20s and 30s I was struggling to find my spot on the ladder. The 50s and 60s were quiet and fun — and then came 70. That meant I no longer had to do certain things anymore. I didn’t have to hold my stomach in. I didn’t have to wear tight clothes or shoes anymore. I didn’t have to pretend I liked ballet. I didn’t have to cow-tow to born-again christians telling me how to live  anymore, and could feel free to laugh at them. I stopped making my bed. What a waste of time that is. My wonderful Current Wife always makes her bed as soon  as she gets up. I just close my bedroom door so I don’t embarrass her in front of visitors. Think of how many hours have been saved by that one change of habit.

The other day I tried to remember when I last took a bath. I couldn’t remember. I have taken showers for as long as I can remember. Why sit in a tub of dirty water when you can be caressed and cleansed by streams of nice warm water? There were episodes of delightful bubble baths with the CW, but the kids might read this so we’ll just skip over those.

I love old friendly clothes. They may be faded or frayed, but they are comfortable and as welcome as a hug. I hate shopping for new clothes — specially with the CW. Betsey makes me try everything on again and again, and rejects the clothes that make me look like a white-haired Brad Pitt, as “Stupid looking.” She can spend an hour getting me a pair of jeans. I can be in and out of a store with new jeans (and several new sweat pants) in less than five minutes. I may be a slob – but I’m swift.

Do you name your cars? We always give each new auto a name. That started with Billy, our grandson, who, when asked to come up with a name for a nice new brown sedan, responded, ”Brownie.” We have named every car since then. We had a blue van called Vanna Blue, and presently wheel about town in either Wanda Honda or Mighty Whitey.

I wonder what kind of food they serve in heaven.

If happiness was fattening, how much would you weigh?

I have learned to love seasons. For most of my life, in L.A., it was one season all year long. But Montana has four really neat seasons My very favorite is Fall, because of the magnificent tree colors, and the fact that I don’t have to mow the god-damned lawn for a few months. I like winter too. Thank God I don’t have to go out and work in the snow and ice, but I can enjoy the hell out of them at my convenience. I like Spring too, because it makes Betsey so happy to see the growing season coming back, and everything turns bright green again. I do not care much for summer, because nobody likes a sweaty old fart.

Do you like holidays? I like some of them, but find others ridiculous.  Although I am a card-carrying atheist I love Christmas best, not for its religious aspects, but because I think Santa is such a neat dude, and I like how everyone gets a little more friendly. Halloween is great for the kids and dentists. I think Mothers Days and Fathers Days are silly and unnecessary. Just give them hug now and then and they’ll know you care.  On the 4th of July we celebrate what this magnificent country almost became.  I don’t care for Memorial Day or ArmisticeDay. Why celebrate wars? Why not have a Peace Day?  Easter is okay for the Christians, and the rest of us can deal with rabbits and peeps. New Year’s Day is dumb, and  Valentine’s day is mainly good for hurting the feelings of kids who didn’t get any. I think Thanksgiving is okay. Without it we’d be up to our ass in turkeys.

Do certain words have a good or bad effect on you? For instance,  the word “cancer” is a crap word, whereas “Candy” is delightful.  The words “death” “prisoner” “execution” ”molest” “orphan” “sick” “malignant” “Alzheimer’s” “armpit” and “Limbaugh” make me squirmy, but I like “Peanut butter” “cold vodka” ” sunset” ” White clouds” “Yosemite and Yellowstone” “Friends” “Children” “Kindergarten” “books” “wild flower” “buffalo”  “sexy” “kiss” “laughter” “sweet”  “tickle” and ” happy” are nice words that make me feel good just hearing them.

Please close the cage as you leave

FIGHT FORTH