I hope some of you remember Mike Royko, the magnificent Chicago newspaper columnist. Mike usually wrote about things that angered or puzzled him, but every now and then he’d haul off with a “politically un-correct” column for laughs (and hidden wisdom).  He died about 20 years ago. Here’s one of his last columns. Somehow it seems to apply today just as much as it did back then:

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The national polls show that the overwhelming majority of Americans oppose admitting any Cuban refugees to this country. I’ve concluded a poll of my own, and it shows the same results.

My poll was limited to just one person — my friend Phil T. Slobb. I didn’t have to poll anyone else because he has always been an accurate barometer of public opinion.

The poll consisted of the following questions and his answers.

“Should this country have let Cubans in ?”

“Hell no. We should never let in any kind of foreigners.”

“None?”

“That’s what I said.”

“What are your feelings about Poles?”

“We shouldn’t have ever let them in. The big dummies can’t even speak English. I got on the Milwaukee Avenue bus a few nights ago, and it was loaded with scrub ladies going home and they were all jabbering in Polish. Why do we let them come here and scrub floors of our office buildings when we could hire good Americans to scrub floors? Did you hear about the two Polacks who hijacked a submarine? They asked for a million dollars and two parachutes. Hah!”

“What about Italians?”

“If we had kept them out we would never have  wound up with Al Capone and other bums like that. We shouldn’t let one more Italian in. Hell, what do we need them for? We can cook our own spaghetti. You know why Polish jokes are so short? So Italians can  understand them.”

“And the Irish?”

“Are you kidding? The Micks are nothing but a bunch of political crooks. What have they ever done except run for office so they can steal my tax money? And the ones who didn’t run  for office became cops  so they could shake me down.  All the Irish ever contributed to this country was municipal corruption. By the way, do you know why Irish  wakes last three days?”

“Why?”

“So they can make sure the guy is dead, not just drunk.”

“Do you have any feelings about Lithuanians?”

“Yeah. They’re almost as dumb as Polacks, and they’re twice as mean. The day we let the first Loogin in this country, the average IQ dropped by ten points. Do you know how a Lithuanian pilot navigates an airplane?”

“How?”

“By reading street signs.”

“How about Bohemians?”

“Look, those people are all the same — Bohemians, Serbians, Yugoslavians, Latvians, Hungarians, Slovaks.  They’re cheapskates, and all they want to do is stick a lamb on  a stick and roast it, drink beer, and play loud music on their mandolins. You can’t even pronounce their names. They’re as bad as Polacks and Loogins. You know how you can tell the mother-in-law at a Bohunk wedding? She’s the one on her knees picking up the rice.”

“I don’t suppose you care much for Greeks?”

“What do I need a Greek for? I know how to make hamburger. I went to a Greek restaurant once and they were all jumping around to that Zorba music and snapping their fingers, and when I ordered cheese they set it on fire. You know how many Greeks it takes to change a light bulb? One to put it in and the other one to burn the place down for the insurance.”

“And the Chinese?”

“No Gooks of any kind. Chinks, Japs, Koreans, Vietnamese, none of them.  We’re always having a war with one kind of gook or another, so why should we let them in? And the rats have screwed up the economy with their little cars and TV sets. I say no more gooks. Do you know what sound a Japanese camera makes? Crick.”

“What are your feelings about Jews?”

“What do you think? Every used car I ever bought was from  a Jew, and they were all clunkers.”

“What about the French?”

“Those people eat snails, and anybody who eats a snail is a creep.”

“I won’t even ask you about blacks.”

“Don’t bother. You couldn’t print it.”

“But they didn’t ask to come here.”

“Then they should leave.”

“I don’t suppose you care about other Hispanics, besides the Cubans. Mexicans? Puerto Ricans?

“That’s right. I don’t care for them. You know why a Puerto Rican can’t use a checkbook? Because it’s too small for him to spray his name on. Hah! Pretty good, huh?

“I gather then that you think this country should not have let anyhone in except the early English settlers.”

“”I wouldn’t have let them in either. What do you think hillbillies are? If the English hadn’t come here we wouldn’t have nearly as many hillbillies as we have now. We’ve had hillbillies in  this country for 200 years, and what have they contributed? They invented stock car racing and the demolition derby, that’s all.”

“Then there’s nobody you like.”

“I like Americans.”

“What kind oif Americans?”

“The ones that are already here. Like me.

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As I said, that column is 20 years old. Does it remind you of anyone today? Can you spell Tea Party?

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                                                                     FIGHT FORTH