Post of Crankieosity

It’s a cloudy, drippy day, so let’s give the folks wearing their crankypants a nice glass of whine.

All of Chekhov’s words weren’t beautiful. He once said, “I don’t understand anything about ballet.  All I know is that during the intervals the ballerinas stink like horses.”

Katherine Hepburn, on  acting: “It is the most minor of gifts and not a very high class way to earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four.”

“You may be sure that the Americans will commit all the stupidities they can think of, plus some that are beyond imagination,” said good old Chuck De Gaulle.

Gore Vidal describes astronauts as “Rotarians in space.”

Ellen Goodman reviewed a Danielle Steel book thusly: “I regard this book as a work without redeeming social value, unless it can be recycled as a cardboard box.”

Speaking of child-proof bottle tops, Allen Ginsberg said,  “I have seen some of the best minds of my generation go at a bottle of aspirin with a ball-peen hammer.”

“One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life,  at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old it is,” said Erma Bombeck.   Erma also wrote, “What does it profit a seventy-eight-year-old woman to sit around the pool in a bikini if she can’t feed herself?”  She liked to talk about weight problems, such as, “I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 780 pounds. By all accounts I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.”

Voltaire: “The first clergyman was the first rascal who met the first fool.”

The great Dave Barry wrote: “The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and time again that they have the management skills of celery. They’re the kind of people who would stop to help you change a flat tire, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire.  The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn’t bother to stop because they want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club.”

John Waters: “I hate the Amish. I hate any religion that forbids you to go to the movies.” He also said that exercise should be done in  private. “Joggers should run  in  a wheel — like hamsters — because I don’t want to look at them.” When an astrology nut asked him what his sign was he answered, “Feces.”

Lyndon Johnson described Gerry Ford as, “So dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time. He played too much football without his helmet.”

Redd Foxx: “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”

“It’s a curious thing,” said Evelyn Waugh, “that every creed promises a paradise which will be absolutely uninhabitable to anyone of civilized taste.”

Dean Martin claimed, “I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.”

Oscar Wilde, released from jail, said to reporters, “If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn’t deserve to have any.”

Asked to describe life, Quentin Crisp said, “You fall out of your mother’s womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave.”

Florence King said she loved Shakespeare’s Timon of Athens, because he had “Go Away!” carved on his tombstone. She also said, “I have never understood child molestation because in order to molest a child, you have to be in  the same room with a child, and I don’t know how perverts stand it.” She was also against sex education in schools, “Because sex is more fun when it’s dirty and sinful.”

Noel Coward’s description of a gentleman: “A man who can play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.”

Fran Lebowitz, discussing conservationists and naturalists: “I am not among them. To put it bluntly I am not the type who wants to go back to the land. I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.”

____________________________Fight Forth________________________________________