Maher’s New Rules

My blessed Current Wife (going on 50 years now) wouldn’t watch or read Bill Maher if you had a gun to her head — but she knows that I consider him brilliant and hilarious, so she bought his new book for me for Christmas. It’s called “Bill Maher–the NEW new rules.”
Here are some samples of why I love the book:

NEW RULE: No black athletes in the Winter Olympics. There’s a reason we schedule these things in the cold and snow — so tropical people won’t show up and kick our ass. Look, you’ve got football, baseball, basketball and the presidency. Is it too much to ask that you leave us ice skating?

NEW RULE: Did you know that there is now floating in the Pacific Ocean a 3.5 million-ton island of shit made up of all the indestructible crap we toss away, the stuff that will never break down,like Styrofoam and old Clorox bottles? And it’s twice the size of Texas — that’s right, the Pacific Ocean now contains more white trash than Texas.

NEW RULE: People talk a lot about a third political party in America. We don’t need a third party, we need a FIRST party. This is because we don’t have a left and right party in this country anymore. We have a center-right party and a crazy party. Over the last 30 years the Democrats have moved to the right, and the right has moved into a mental hospital. So what we have is one perfect party for hedge-fund managers, credit-card companies, banks, defense contractors, big agriculture and the pharmaceutical companies — that’s the Democrats. And they sit across the aisle from a small group of religious lunatics, flat earthers and Civil War reenactors who communicate via AM radio and call themselves Republicans, and who actually worry that Obama is a socialist. Socialist? He’s not even a liberal…Shouldn’t there be one party that unambiguously supports cutting the military budget? A party that is straight up in favor of gun control, gay marriage, higher taxes on the rich, universal health care, legalized pot, and steep direct taxing of polluters?

NEW RULE: Someone has to make a mustard container that doesn’t squirt out yellow water before it gets to the actual mustard. I get all excited for lunch and then Grey Poupon pees on my sandwich.

NEW RULE: I’ve heard many women ask, “Why don’t they make a Viagra for women?” They DO. It’s called an M&M.

NEW RULE: Let the Pope be the Pope. An animal rights group in Italy has asked Pope Benedict to give up his fur-trimmed hat and cape. To which the pope answered, “Don’t be hatin’ on my cape, bitch.” Sorry but popes are the original divas, they invented bling, they’ve been wearing outlandish outfits for a thousand years –almost as long as Elton John. The clothes, the jewels, the fancy palace…those aren’t just symbols of the papacy, they ARE the papacy. The day the pope shows up on that balcony in a pair of jeans and a polo shirt is the day Catholics finally go, “What the hell were we thinking?”

NEW RULE: If churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry, Reverend, that’s one of those “services” that go along with “payin’ in.” I’ll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.

NEW RULE: The L.L. Bean catalog doesn’t need to have a black guy in it. I know they’re trying to be inclusive, but not once in our nation’s history has a black man put on a turtleneck and wrinkle-resistant chinos, slipped on his moose-hide slippers, gone to the mailbox and proclaimed, “Yes! The L.L. Ben catalog is here! Now I can get the canoe I’ve always wanted!”

SEE WHY I LIKE BILL?
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