Faces

I wonder how the hell some people got elected. A face is an easy thing to read. There are ugly people who have eyes and smiles that shine and glow, making you like them right away. There are beautiful, handsome people who make you want to quickly cover your privates and call the cops. Today I’m talking about political faces. When I watch them on  television I wonder why voters can’t see what they’re buying. Take Mitch McConnell for instance. He’s on the news a lot lately, attacking Democrats for anything they say or do. But his face is fascinating. He looks like a man who, while undergoing a lemon-juice enema, suddenly catches a strong whif of a fart from from an alcoholic buffalo.  Joe Lieberman wasn’t a beast back in his days as a semi-Democrat, but since becoming  a Whig or whatever the hell he is, his face has turned inside out, showing what was really in there all the time. Dick Cheney could look like everyone’s grandpa if it weren ‘t for that mouth. It was twisted and snarly even that day he was happy. One look at that mouth and you know he likes to bite the heads off  kittens.  His favorite jacket is made of unborn-puppy-ears. I used to think Republican  Commander in Chief Rush Limbaugh was just fat, but have since learned that he’s bloated like that because every time he opens his mouth insurance company executives and suits from  the military-industrial complex shove another million dollars down his throat. All that money jammed in  there has given him hemorrhoids, and that’s why he bounces up and down so much. I like Harry Reid, but a face like his never going to cause girls to squirm in  their knickers. He doesn’t look mean or cruel–just Mormonish.

There are good looking politicians who can fool you. Whenever a TV camera shows up in the U.S. Congress you can  bet your ass that Ohio’s John Boehner will arrive instantly. If some other Republican is already speaking, John stands right behind him trying to look like he agrees with every word being said, but if you really study his posture he’s actually doing  his very best to stifle a hair-covered burp. He’s the guy with orange skin and a plastic wig.You always see him photographed from  the front, because if they shot him from  the back you’d see the wind-up key  between his shoulder blades. I think Barack, Hilary and  Nancy Pelosi  are good looking rascals, and I somewhat trust them — but Sarah Palin is prettier than  all of them together and I wouldn’t trust her to pop a pimple let alone run the toughest nation on earth. If it weren’t for that sexy face she’d be back where she belongs, standing on the deck of her home  in  Alaska,  shooting moose and making lewd gestures at Russians.

Fight Forth!