A Slapathon

I finally had to institute a new procedure here in Livingston. After driving around town and seeing so many people smiling I knew I had to take action.

Yesterday, on my way to the library, I saw an elderly man standing on the corner, smiling. I had to pull over, grab him by the lapels, and bellow, “For God’s sake man. Don’t you realize that there is a casino billionaire named Sheldon Adelson who is out to buy America? He has given 11 million dollars to Newt Gingrich so far. Aren’t you aware of the fact that this man also sends millions to Israel weekly to help elect right-wing war mongers like Netanyahue? Do you know how much money this man has? That money he gave to Gingrich is less that one day’s earnings. He makes 3.3 million dollars per HOUR for crisake. Why the hell are you smiling?” I slapped him in the face.

A frown replaced his silly smile, and he yelled “Thanks Bill” as I drove away.

Next I spotted a mother leading her young children into McDonald’s, where she proceeded to order Chicken Mcnuggets for all, WHILE SHE SMILED. I grabbed her arm, shoved her against the wall, and yelled, “Are you aware that in Texas, before performing an abortion, a doctor MUST show a patient a sonogram of her fetus while describing its features, and make her listen to its heartbeat? Wipe that stupid smile off your face — and get these kids to hell out of here.” I slapped her, and her children.

She blew me a kiss as I drove away.

Then, at the entrance to the fairgrounds, I saw a tall young cowboy smiling as he leaned against the rails watching his cattle. I grabbed him by the tie (they all wear ties under those bandannas around their throat) and screamed, “Don’t you know that, despite the baloney about pulling out of Afganistan by 2014, we have built 450 new bases there? One is a 7,500-square-foot building just for the operation of our drones! What the hell are you smiling about?” I slapped him sharply on both cheeks.

A police car was driving by, and the officer inside wore a wide smile. I cut him off in traffic and roared back to his window. “What are you smiling about?” I demanded. “Are you aware of the fact that U.S. Marines in Afganistan have just used your taxpayer money to build a goddamn chapel? A chapel in a land that hates Christians! A chapel!! Marines are the best fighting machine in the world. They are supposed to kill people and break things — not build goddamn churches! And you drive around with a smile on your face. You should be ashamed.” I slapped his cap off.

He assured me that he would spend the rest of the day glaring at people.

Then I saw a woman smiling as she pushed her baby-carriage along the sidewalk. “Stop!” I yelled. “Are you aware that 40% of Americans no longer believe in the American dream? Don’t you know that a quarter of our children now live in poverty! Did you know that the vast majority our armed forces are now made up of poor people who couldn’t find job or afford college? Don’t let your baby see you smiling at a time like this.” I slapped her face.

Next I spotted an elderly nun sweeping the church steps. She too was smiling. “Listen sister,” I yelled as a I passed by. “Are you aware of the fact that, around the world, a child dies of starvation every five seconds!”

I left her wiser and sobbing.

Our mailman was smiling as he brought letters to us. I grabbed him by his leather strap and growled, “Did you know that our government spent 4.5 billions dollars to help expand our children’s educational opportunities last year? That’s what we spent in the Iraq JUST IN GODDAMN JULY.” I slapped him several times as he retreated in tears.

A little girl was smiling as she walked to school. “Halt!” I demanded. “Are you aware that the U.S.defense budget is 43 percent of the world’s military spending — more than the COMBINED defense spending of the next 17 nations?”

She promised not to smile again until October. I told her that I wouldn’t slap her if she brought a note from her mother.

As I passed the fire station five firemen were laughing and joking out front. I walked over to them, slapped each in the face as I yelled, “Santorum! Gingrich! Romney! Limbaugh!” and they all broke into tears and asked forgivness.

I’m glad I could slap some sense into my little town.
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FIGHT FORTH!