Archive for Opinion
SMILES AND GROWLS
Posted by: | CommentsIt’s snowing like hell out there so we won’t be going to the beach today. So, to pass the time let me offer you a few smiles before I tell you about a book that will make you growl.
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The following quotes come from a lot of sources I like (mostly Carlin) :
Honesty is the best policy, which means dishonesty comes in second. Second is not all that bad.
You seldom meet a Japanese guy named Biff.
A laugh is a smile with a hole in it.
Just once I’d like to see the Pope out on that balcony giving football scores.
Dogs have it good. You never see one wearing a watch.
I’d like a cake-flavored pie.
I avoid restaurants that have kaopectate on draft.
A pager is just an electronic leash.
A moral vegetarian only eats animals that have died in their sleep.
People who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the music.
I never see any black twins. What’s the deal there?
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.
This is the oldest I have ever been — so far,
Sometimes they say that the winds are calm — but if they’re calm they’re not really winds are they?
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Now, about that book. It’s a small book that is filled with wisdom, smiles and growls. “We Meant Well,” by Peter Van Buren should be read by all Americans who give the slightest damn about what we did in Iraq.
He’s not a soldier or a journalist. He’s a Foreign Service Officer for our State Department, and his book tells of our unforgivable, incredible mistakes and what happened to his mind during a his hitch in Iraq, where he served both in the comfortable, unbelievable Green Zone, and out on the boonies where you could get killed just by raising your head.
He says:
Instead of being greeted by the promised smiles and flowers, “We lived imprisoned on military bases — always seen by the locals as fat-walleted creatures that descended from armored spaceships.”
He doesn’t have a very high opinion of the Iraqis he worked with. “The professionals, the teachers, the doctors and engineers had all fled to other countries.” Iraq once had 34,000 doctors, but 20,000 of them moved out when we started dropping “Shock and Awe” on them. “We were left to spread our millions and millions of dollars among thieves and tribal leaders and warlords with self-serving agendas, and corrupt government officials placed in power buy the USA.” He mentions that until we came along and tried to buy victory Iraq was the 24th most corrupt nation in the world. Now they’re 4th.
He mentions watching as planes from America unloaded huge crates of $100 bills, which were freely handed out to anyone who promised to help rebuild the country we had destroyed. If we killed people by mistake we’d offer them fistfuls of hundred-dollar bills as an apology. More than $8,000,000 just totally disappeared. We have no idea where it went or who has it. He reveals that Americans have no idea of how many “helpers” we hired (at $250,000 per year) to serve as protectors of government and business officials. In the old days soldiers did that stuff, but today they don’t even serve KP anymore. We have hired thousands and thousands of Africans and Filipinos to be our cooks, repairmen, janitors, laundrymen etc. We brag that we have pulled out of Iraq — but there are still thousands of soldiers and mercenaries there to protect big-business investments. WE PAY THEIR SALARIES.
He watched as we spent $200,000 to build a factory that would become a “sewing center” so the local women could make a living by making shirts for sale. Then we found out that our shirts cost 10,000 dinars, causing the potential shirt buyers to ignore our factory because they could get imported Chinese shirts for only 3,000 dinars.
He shook his head as local farmers ignored our suggestions about curing sick cows while they continued curing their cattle by tying prayer-notes to their tails. These were the same people who fed the lion in their zoo by pushing a live donkey in every few days.
He mentions that the trash in their city streets was so deep it was threatening all recovery, so we decided to help by creating jobs so people would have money and work, and then we offered pay for anyone who would collect trash. Soon workers were not only quitting their other jobs to get American money to collect trash, they actually went around gathering and spreading trash so they’d have a job at those nice Yankee wages.
We decided that Iraqi business would be much better if they had Yellow Pages. They had never heard of such a thing, so we did it for them, at the cost of thousands of dollars to the American taxpayers. There were only 250 numbers in that book, but we printed them and then we had to pay an additional $7,000 to hire Iraqis to distribute them, because it was too damned dangerous for our guys to do it.
He was amazed to watch our top people lounge in amazing comfort and luxury in the Green Zone, which had swimming pools, dance lessons, and all the booze you could want, while just outside our walls, Iraqi children suffered hunger and pain every day of their sorrowful life.
I have just given you a brief skimming of the pages. Get this book and study it. Don’t let the sons-of-bitches who caused all this escape without shame.
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FIGHT FORTH
A Slapathon
Posted by: | CommentsI finally had to institute a new procedure here in Livingston. After driving around town and seeing so many people smiling I knew I had to take action.
Yesterday, on my way to the library, I saw an elderly man standing on the corner, smiling. I had to pull over, grab him by the lapels, and bellow, “For God’s sake man. Don’t you realize that there is a casino billionaire named Sheldon Adelson who is out to buy America? He has given 11 million dollars to Newt Gingrich so far. Aren’t you aware of the fact that this man also sends millions to Israel weekly to help elect right-wing war mongers like Netanyahue? Do you know how much money this man has? That money he gave to Gingrich is less that one day’s earnings. He makes 3.3 million dollars per HOUR for crisake. Why the hell are you smiling?” I slapped him in the face.
A frown replaced his silly smile, and he yelled “Thanks Bill” as I drove away.
Next I spotted a mother leading her young children into McDonald’s, where she proceeded to order Chicken Mcnuggets for all, WHILE SHE SMILED. I grabbed her arm, shoved her against the wall, and yelled, “Are you aware that in Texas, before performing an abortion, a doctor MUST show a patient a sonogram of her fetus while describing its features, and make her listen to its heartbeat? Wipe that stupid smile off your face — and get these kids to hell out of here.” I slapped her, and her children.
She blew me a kiss as I drove away.
Then, at the entrance to the fairgrounds, I saw a tall young cowboy smiling as he leaned against the rails watching his cattle. I grabbed him by the tie (they all wear ties under those bandannas around their throat) and screamed, “Don’t you know that, despite the baloney about pulling out of Afganistan by 2014, we have built 450 new bases there? One is a 7,500-square-foot building just for the operation of our drones! What the hell are you smiling about?” I slapped him sharply on both cheeks.
A police car was driving by, and the officer inside wore a wide smile. I cut him off in traffic and roared back to his window. “What are you smiling about?” I demanded. “Are you aware of the fact that U.S. Marines in Afganistan have just used your taxpayer money to build a goddamn chapel? A chapel in a land that hates Christians! A chapel!! Marines are the best fighting machine in the world. They are supposed to kill people and break things — not build goddamn churches! And you drive around with a smile on your face. You should be ashamed.” I slapped his cap off.
He assured me that he would spend the rest of the day glaring at people.
Then I saw a woman smiling as she pushed her baby-carriage along the sidewalk. “Stop!” I yelled. “Are you aware that 40% of Americans no longer believe in the American dream? Don’t you know that a quarter of our children now live in poverty! Did you know that the vast majority our armed forces are now made up of poor people who couldn’t find job or afford college? Don’t let your baby see you smiling at a time like this.” I slapped her face.
Next I spotted an elderly nun sweeping the church steps. She too was smiling. “Listen sister,” I yelled as a I passed by. “Are you aware of the fact that, around the world, a child dies of starvation every five seconds!”
I left her wiser and sobbing.
Our mailman was smiling as he brought letters to us. I grabbed him by his leather strap and growled, “Did you know that our government spent 4.5 billions dollars to help expand our children’s educational opportunities last year? That’s what we spent in the Iraq JUST IN GODDAMN JULY.” I slapped him several times as he retreated in tears.
A little girl was smiling as she walked to school. “Halt!” I demanded. “Are you aware that the U.S.defense budget is 43 percent of the world’s military spending — more than the COMBINED defense spending of the next 17 nations?”
She promised not to smile again until October. I told her that I wouldn’t slap her if she brought a note from her mother.
As I passed the fire station five firemen were laughing and joking out front. I walked over to them, slapped each in the face as I yelled, “Santorum! Gingrich! Romney! Limbaugh!” and they all broke into tears and asked forgivness.
I’m glad I could slap some sense into my little town.
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FIGHT FORTH!
Has the new war started yet?
Posted by: | CommentsAfter hearing all the usual spooks chattering this week I’m convinced we are about to attack Iran — or send Israel in to do it for us. I really don’t understand what has happened to America. Why are we worried and nervous unless we are at war against someone or something? I voted for Obama because I thought he’d stop these stupid wars,but he just keeps extending the ones we have, and now seems to be backing the plans for the new one. I never bought the idea that Iraq was ready to make an atom bomb and lob it into downtown Salt Lake City. I have the same doubts about Iran. Israel may have a reason to fear Iran, but does that mean we have to join in? Those folks over there are just fighting each other over their gods, and since I don’t believe in any religion I have no urge to send our troops and our treasure over there to help out.
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In addition to planning a war, we have seen a major charity taken over by the right wing and the fundamentalists. When the hell did breast cancer become political?
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Oh, to hell with it. Let’s have some laughs with a few good quotes:
Woody Allen says, “I’m very old fashioned. I think people should be married for life, like pigeons and Catholics.”
Whenever I think about today’s economy I’m reminded of Henry Miller’s brilliant comment: “If shit had value, the poor would be born without assholes.”
George Carlin said it: “Didn’t the first guy to wear a sombrero realize it was completely impractical for oral sex?”
He also said:
That guy who bothers the kids at the bus stop should be dipped in brown gravy and locked in a cage with a wolverine that is high on angel dust. — I think I am. Therefore I am, I think. —- A crumb is a great thing. If you break a crumb in half you don’t get two half-crumbs, you get two new crumbs. — A priest who had performed more than 300 exorcisms was today eaten by the boogyman.
“Jews always know two things — How to suffer and where to find great Chinese food.”
Montana’s Jeanette Rankin,the first woman elected to congress, was booted out twice. First for being the only member to refuse to vote for World War I, and later for refusing to vote to go to war in World War II. “You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.”
“I get all the exercise I need by being a pallbearer at the funerals of friends who exercise.”
Red Foxx added to that thought: “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.”
“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served our family nothing but leftovers. The original meal was never found.” Calvin Trillin
It is not true that life is one damned thing after another, it is one damned thing over and over.” Edna St.Vincent Millay
“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” Lily Tomlin.
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FIGHT FORTH!
