I read a few things in this morning’s paper that make me want to trip a canary.

 I’m talking about money. Wealth. Big Bucks. Mucho Dinero.

 I am not a communist who thinks everyone should have the same amount. I think an engineer who graduated at the top of his class should make more loot than the guy who came in last. A doctor who spends 20 years honing his art should be rewarded a lot more than the guy tossing burgers at McDonald’s.

But sometimes money just gets out of hand and makes us look like a nation of idiots.

This morning’s paper said that all-in-all we have spent 3 TRILLION dollars in the Iraq war so far. We spend a million dollars a year for EACH soldier over there. What would our life be like today if we had taken that 3 trillion and spent it here at home to free ourselves of oil dependence? What if we had built a high-speed rail system across the country, and replaced our crumbling bridges? What if, instead of spending a million on each soldier each year, we spent it on kids who studied to become violinists or artists, or doctors, or teachers and scientists. What if we educated kids to improve our agriculture, or save Yellowstone National Park for another thousand years?  Instead of sending our youngsters overseas to fight phony, deadly wars, why not guarantee that every American child will get a free college education?  

Bill Gates, Ted Turner and Warren Buffet seem to be nice, thoughtful men –  but no one in the world should be allowed to have that much money. When 25% of our kids live in  poverty it is a goddamn  crime for one man to have billions. I read his morning that “ultra-luxury” cars are making a comeback. They told of a guy who spent $300,000 for a special Rolls-Royce. I hope it runs over his ass. A man who could spend that kind of money on a car, in a nation that is falling deeper and deeper into depression, can’t have a soul. How can he drive past kids too poor to buy a bike? I’m not saying he should buy all those kids a bike before he buys his car, but does he have to flaunt his wealth? Wouldn’t a Lexus or Caddy serve just as well to brag that his wonder weenie was bigger than anyone else’s?

There should be a limit on how wealth is used. I once visited Hearst Castle in California, but instead of being awed by the majesty of the buildings, pools, wall-hangings, statues and massive halls, all imported from Europe, I was disgusted by the idea that one guy had so much money he could waste it on crap like that.  I’m not say he should have used all those bucks to buy meals for hungry folks, but at least he could have built a major university or sponsored cancer research instead of recreating a silly damned castle.

We recently had a guy up here who revealed his plans to build “the most expensive house ever built.” The cost would run into many millions. He even planned on having his driveway (a very loooong one) electrically wired so the snow would melt quickly. Luckily he went broke before he could embarrass us.

What are your feelings about a man who has a massive luxury home in Maine, and another in Florida, and an other in Colorado, and another in  Hawaii, while thousands of his fellow citizens are losing their two-bedroom one-bath homes because they lost their job and can’t pay the mortgage?  Does that make you a little nervous?

There are people right here in my little town that own overly-large, overly-luxurious homes — but just one. I don’t deny them that house at all. Maybe they earned it.  It’s the multi-millionaire who uses his wealth to buy a U.S. Senator to vote to end Social Security and Medicare that frost my tushy.

I recently read that most member of our congressmen leave Washington as millionaires. Many of them were fabulously wealthy before they ran for office, and used their money to buy their way into office in the first place. I think I’d rather have the clerk at Albertson’s as my senator or congressman. Most of the guys voting to save bankers and Wall Street gangsters are sitting on a pile of money so high they need seat belts, and if they don’t have it already, they’re perfectly willing to accept it from any lobbyist.

I can’t imagine a job or position that is worth an annual salary of ten or fifteen million bucks. I think there should be a damned law against earning that much loot.  If you have the brains, talent and determination to earn  a million dollars a year, and live in luxury, that’s just fine. Enjoy! But when you are the head of a failed business who is granted a bonus of seventeen million dollars, you should have your head inserted into a bowl of cold snake snot. May you spend the rest of your life with lizards in  your pants.

I wish I had enough money to vote Republican.

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                                                                                 FIGHT FORTH

I hope some of you remember Mike Royko, the magnificent Chicago newspaper columnist. Mike usually wrote about things that angered or puzzled him, but every now and then he’d haul off with a “politically un-correct” column for laughs (and hidden wisdom).  He died about 20 years ago. Here’s one of his last columns. Somehow it seems to apply today just as much as it did back then:

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The national polls show that the overwhelming majority of Americans oppose admitting any Cuban refugees to this country. I’ve concluded a poll of my own, and it shows the same results.

My poll was limited to just one person — my friend Phil T. Slobb. I didn’t have to poll anyone else because he has always been an accurate barometer of public opinion.

The poll consisted of the following questions and his answers.

“Should this country have let Cubans in ?”

“Hell no. We should never let in any kind of foreigners.”

“None?”

“That’s what I said.”

“What are your feelings about Poles?”

“We shouldn’t have ever let them in. The big dummies can’t even speak English. I got on the Milwaukee Avenue bus a few nights ago, and it was loaded with scrub ladies going home and they were all jabbering in Polish. Why do we let them come here and scrub floors of our office buildings when we could hire good Americans to scrub floors? Did you hear about the two Polacks who hijacked a submarine? They asked for a million dollars and two parachutes. Hah!”

“What about Italians?”

“If we had kept them out we would never have  wound up with Al Capone and other bums like that. We shouldn’t let one more Italian in. Hell, what do we need them for? We can cook our own spaghetti. You know why Polish jokes are so short? So Italians can  understand them.”

“And the Irish?”

“Are you kidding? The Micks are nothing but a bunch of political crooks. What have they ever done except run for office so they can steal my tax money? And the ones who didn’t run  for office became cops  so they could shake me down.  All the Irish ever contributed to this country was municipal corruption. By the way, do you know why Irish  wakes last three days?”

“Why?”

“So they can make sure the guy is dead, not just drunk.”

“Do you have any feelings about Lithuanians?”

“Yeah. They’re almost as dumb as Polacks, and they’re twice as mean. The day we let the first Loogin in this country, the average IQ dropped by ten points. Do you know how a Lithuanian pilot navigates an airplane?”

“How?”

“By reading street signs.”

“How about Bohemians?”

“Look, those people are all the same — Bohemians, Serbians, Yugoslavians, Latvians, Hungarians, Slovaks.  They’re cheapskates, and all they want to do is stick a lamb on  a stick and roast it, drink beer, and play loud music on their mandolins. You can’t even pronounce their names. They’re as bad as Polacks and Loogins. You know how you can tell the mother-in-law at a Bohunk wedding? She’s the one on her knees picking up the rice.”

“I don’t suppose you care much for Greeks?”

“What do I need a Greek for? I know how to make hamburger. I went to a Greek restaurant once and they were all jumping around to that Zorba music and snapping their fingers, and when I ordered cheese they set it on fire. You know how many Greeks it takes to change a light bulb? One to put it in and the other one to burn the place down for the insurance.”

“And the Chinese?”

“No Gooks of any kind. Chinks, Japs, Koreans, Vietnamese, none of them.  We’re always having a war with one kind of gook or another, so why should we let them in? And the rats have screwed up the economy with their little cars and TV sets. I say no more gooks. Do you know what sound a Japanese camera makes? Crick.”

“What are your feelings about Jews?”

“What do you think? Every used car I ever bought was from  a Jew, and they were all clunkers.”

“What about the French?”

“Those people eat snails, and anybody who eats a snail is a creep.”

“I won’t even ask you about blacks.”

“Don’t bother. You couldn’t print it.”

“But they didn’t ask to come here.”

“Then they should leave.”

“I don’t suppose you care about other Hispanics, besides the Cubans. Mexicans? Puerto Ricans?

“That’s right. I don’t care for them. You know why a Puerto Rican can’t use a checkbook? Because it’s too small for him to spray his name on. Hah! Pretty good, huh?

“I gather then that you think this country should not have let anyhone in except the early English settlers.”

“”I wouldn’t have let them in either. What do you think hillbillies are? If the English hadn’t come here we wouldn’t have nearly as many hillbillies as we have now. We’ve had hillbillies in  this country for 200 years, and what have they contributed? They invented stock car racing and the demolition derby, that’s all.”

“Then there’s nobody you like.”

“I like Americans.”

“What kind oif Americans?”

“The ones that are already here. Like me.

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As I said, that column is 20 years old. Does it remind you of anyone today? Can you spell Tea Party?

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                                                                     FIGHT FORTH