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TODAY I’M JUST GOING TO TAKE THE PLUG OUT OF MY HEAD AND LET MY THOUGHTS SPLASH OUT.

What does it say about this country when Bill O, Limbaugh and Beck EACH have more audience than Keith Olberman and Rachel Maddow COMBINED? Something’s very wrong…..Every time I see Bill O’s face I see a mean Irish cop…. Am I the only one that thinks Mel Gibson looks like Soupy Sales’ older brother?….Am I the only one who remembers Soupy Sales?….I wish Bill Bryson  and Anne Lamot would quit whatever the hell they’re doing and get back to writing books….That goes for you too, Anne Proux, Anne Tyler, Barbara Kingsolver and John McPhee….I have gone through life adoring women, but I’ll make an exception in the case of Michelle Backman, Sarah Palin  and Anne Coulter. And I’ll now add the nutty dame who just won the Delaware Tea Party nomination for U.S. Senate despite the fact that she came out against masturbation. I agree with  Woody Allen, who said masturbation is the only time you can have a good time without getting dressed up….Every time I think that maybe there is still hope for America I realized that wackos like Benny Hinn, John Hagee, Kenneth Copeland, Jerry Fallwell, Morris Cerello and Rod Parsley are not only allowed outside their cages, but are getting very, very wealthy (tax free) while stalking us. We put child molesters and rapists in jail, but these clowns are allowed to ravage without even a leash….When I’m out in the hills and mountains around here I wonder if I’m  being watched by the ghosts of the Indians who used to own all this until we came along and killed most of them off. Almost all the “great” Indian wars were fought in Montana, from Crazy Horse and Sitting Bull to Chief Joseph. They all saw their lives destroyed right here in our neighborhood….There are more and more stories in the newspapers that I sure as hell don’t need. What earthly good does it do to tell me about mothers who throw their infant off a bridge, or about a human head being found in trash a can? That’s news???….There are certain faces that make me look over my shoulder to see what’s sneaking up on me: George Bush, Orin Hatch, John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, Richard Nixon, Henry Kissinger, all of George Bush’s cabinet, or any senator from the Confederacy….I’ll put the plug back in  my head now, but first I want to bring you up to date on the police reports from Bozeman:

A caller reported a small wild landfire on Sacajawea Peak. She later called back to say that it was probably moonglow, but she would like it checked out anyway.

An accidental call to 911 was caused by a woman’s 9-month-old chewing on her phone.

Six male juveniles were panhandling at a gas station on North Seventh.  They were lifting up their shirts and exposing their chests.

A man mistakenly dialed 911 while using his phone as a light to see how to zip up his sleeping bag.

A bear was in the kitchen at 3:20 a.m.  The owner could not contain the bear in the kitchen, so he went out and sat in his car until deputies arrived.

A woman suffering from delusional thoughts about her neighhbors called to report that the neighbors were “making the ground vibrate.”

Officers caught a man who was running away from them for no apparent reason. He thought there was a warrant out for his arrrest, but there was not.

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                                                                                     FIGHT FORTH

As you may know, I think Dave Barry is the funniest writer since the invention of words. Here’s a hilarious chunk from his new book, “I’ll Mature When I’m Dead.”  He’s writing about the joys of parenthood.

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To begin with, for a while after the birth of your child you will have the same sex life as a waffle iron. This is understandable, considering the physics of childbirth. Imagine that you have spent seventeen straight hours trying to push a mature grapefruit through the entire length of you urinary tract and you’ll have rough idea of what your wife goes through when she has a baby. You will be as welcome in her private region as German troops in Paris. She may sleep with a taser. But rest assured that in time she will come around.  And by “time” I mean “a really long time.”

The other side of the coin is that for a while you might not feel as attracted to your wife as you used to. For one thing, she’ll have gained some weight, and she’ll probably dress in”post maternity” fashions purchased from The House  of Tarps. For another thing, milk will be squirting out of her breasts. This is perfectly natural when you think about it, this is the actual reason why your wife has breasts in the first place. But it is still going to seem weird to you, because, like most men, you have always viewed breasts as fun recreational items  existing purely for your personal enjoyment. Now all of a sudden, they’re producing dairy products….

You’ve probably heard that newborn babies sleep an average of sixteen hours per day. What you may not have heard is that, rather than do all their sleeping in one big chunk,  babies divide the day into roughly two hundred seven-minute naps — and they always wake up cranky. So you will then be spending months, day and night, trying to de-crankify your baby…

Your role, when the baby cries at night, is to say to your wife, in a loving tone, “I would get up and feed the baby myself, but unfortunately I do not have milk squirting out of my nipples.” Try not to resume openly snoring until your wife has left the room…

If it is your turn to quiet the  baby, here’s what to do.   1) Go to the baby’s crib and locate the baby’s head and the baby’s butt. In a standard baby, the head will be crying, and the butt will be leaking.  2)  Slide one hand under the baby’s head and the other under the baby’s butt, then gently lift the baby to your shoulder. If you’re holding the baby correctly, there should now be vomit on your shoulder. If there is poop on your shoulder, you are holding the baby upside down.

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                                                                                  FIGHT FORTH